I know you have them. Each and every one of you. The amorous vibes of Paris emit a stronger frequency than anywhere else, however, as many of my readers can attest—and as you can easily gather from my misadventures—la vie romantique here is far from la vie en rose. I was certain that you also had some fabulously chauchemar (nightmare) stories to share and voilà! We have the Mexican Minute … and now we have the Fellow Filles Dating Cauchemar and here is the first histoire! Got a great nightmare or funny story from Paris or beyond? Drop me a line!
Online Dating. I have been tempted on numerous occasions to give it a try, but whenever a dry spell was declining towards draught, I always managed to stumble into some more romantic misendeavors, granting me a “get out of romantic doldrums jail card” thus postponing what might be inevitable. But just how popular is virtual mate searching? According to reliable Reuters’ stats, over 40 millon American’s have tried online dating, but what was the success rate? Further digging led me to this article by Christie Hartman Ph.D. citing that 25% of couples are now meeting online (and on the rise!) and that online dating has crept to second place on the “how to meet people list”, after “through friends” (my list might sadly start with “through champagne”… but anyway). Well, if the stats are positive then that must be worth trying, right? A good friend Maude was of the same mindset, at least online it easy to find out right up front if someone is into S&M or gardening! Let’s see what happen with Maude, a little aventure… a little misaventure!
Profile: Foreign attractive 47-yr-old curvaceous female
Looking for: “real” relationship with single men between 45 – 58
Other: Single mom, not looking for more kids and NO Long distance
Maude carefully typed in all the data fields, uploaded a nice photo and clicked the save button. She was all set and especially eager to meet some potential amoreux. She was all set and eagerly awaited her first message from a potential amoreux. She didn’t have to wait long, within hours her inbox quickly populated with replies to her profile:
LoveMaster, 20 yr-old, French, Parisian (no photo):
Hi, I find you very attractive and I have an unusual fantasy I’d like to fulfill, would you be interested ?
Oh my! Certainly a flattering first message. But not really what she was looking for. With blushing cheeks and a saucy chuckle she clicked delete before moving on to the next message. Maybe take two would be better?
Nice Guy, 46 yr-old man, French, Parisian (not bad photo):
Hello There, I loved your profile especially answering so many questions-would like to get to know you better, warm wishes.
Ummm, what planet was he on?? Thought Maude as she replied:
Maude: Hi – Thank you – but …. I’m not Mormon, and looking at our “questions” there are too many things that we disagree on, that are fundamentals for me….
Nice Guy: Of course, you’d expect after comparing all those questions 🙂 . My needed fundamentals are women Vegans/Republicans/Religious/Hairy legs/passion/No sense of humor 😉 Which ones are yours?
Is he for real?? wondered Maude. Could something really have been “lost in translation” oh wait, their conversation had been in English… maybe his language skills were weaker than he let on?
Maude: I really have no interest in Vegans/Republicans/Religious – I am fairly left wing, am bothered by vegans, astonished by the stupidity of the Republican Party, and by those that agree with their platform, and have nothing in common with people who adhere to prescribed religion. Perhaps that is not clear in my profile?
Nice Guy: So tell me which fundamentals did not match ? Because you sound like an intriguing woman…
Mon dieu! Was this guy totally clueless and blind? Maude was definitely an intriguing woman, but was completely un-intrigued by this odd mec. Still she thought she ought to sort him out a little:
Maude: In a quick glance here’s a bit more of where we do not match:
1. You say are a good liar and you like to lie.
2. You think interracial marriage is a bad idea and that gay couples shouldn’t have children.
3. You believe men should be the head of the household
4. You sometimes feel guilty or bad after sex
5. You think jealousy is healthy in a relationship
6. You get angry if you don’t win a game and have no problem with racist jokes
7. Don’t think I’ve ever been accused of being wholesome – something you are looking for in a woman.
8. You are looking to have more children
Nice Guy: So, to clarify our alleged and tawdry disagreements:
1 Everyone lies, it would be disingenuous not to admit it. I dare you not to agree with me.
2. The ideal for a child is a Mother and Father. Single parent, second, ‘third’, orphanage, ..
3. Yes admit to this one if I am married to a woman.
4. Yes, admit to this, After one too many, involved vodka; russian woman and Moscow hotel room ;-). I am sure you have a similar story to tell…
6 Yes…Angry if I don’t win
7. We must make comedy of our differences. example of a racist joke:
A perfect Europe,Germans are the organisers, Italians the lovers: French the cooks, English the policeman. Imperfect Europe. Germans are the lovers, Italians the organisers, French the Police, Thats funny I think and it’s racist.
8. Wholesome means so many things.
9. I am looking for more children, could be by adoption, etc…
Finally, lets have a cafe together, we can discuss our differences in person.
Ouch! And he thinks he might have convinced her to go for a coffee?? Where does he go so wrong? I would have to say that numbers 1, 7 and 8 would rule this charmless suitor out entirely, as they actually go against poor Maude’s basic minimum requirements! The answers to the rest of the numbers are a dreadful combination on bigotry, close-mindedness and just plain wierdo-ness. I don’t know how Maude managed a polite au-revoir attempt of:
Maude: I really don’t think so. Thank you anyway.
Nice Guy: Well… Your loss… I don’t really live in France anyway, I come through once a week from Dusseldorf.
Her loss?? And he doesn’t even LIVE in Paris? I think his mind has obviously fallen off the tracks somewhere between Dusseldorf and Paris. Boy oh boy! These first two emails were serious duds, could the third time be the charm?
Monsieur Amour4u, 30s, French, lives 3 hours from Paris (no photo) Note: for non-French speakers – really poetic but sappy love poem – will try to translate later this week if I have time:
Je ne revois plus le visage ni le corps de celle que je tenais contre moi, dans le Nord-Sud, vers St Lazare. Je sais seulement que dans cette foule compacte où les balancements du train penchaient d’un coup toute la masse oscillante des voyageurs elle se laissait faire comme privée de raisons et de sentiments. Comme si nous avions été dans un désert véritable, où même la présence d’un homme eut été pour elle si surprenante et si terrifiante que l’idée ne lui serait pas venue de bouger ou de résister un instant. J’étais donc contre elle, par-derrière collé, et mon haleine faisait remuer légèrement les cheveux de sa nuque. Mes jambes épousaient la courbe des siennes, mes mains avaient longuement caressé ses cuisses, elle n’avait pas retiré sa main gauche quand je l’avais un instant furtivement serrée. Je sentais contre moi la douce pression de ses fesses à travers une étoffe très mince et glissante, dont les plis occasionnels même m’intéressaient.
Oh la la! Monsieur Amour4u! Speaking from experience, Frenchmen can actually be much more poetic than North American men… but there is poetic and poétique—just a little tooo much, which was obvious the case with #3’s “introductory” message… could he really be serious? Does he actually think that Maude would believe that this is original text… written for her?? And what’s this about Saint Lazare Station?? Is that where his countryside train pulls into? Puzzled Maude didn’t bother replying, however, later that day she received a second ode à l’amour (condensed here):
Monsieur Amour4u: Je suis passé jadis par cette porte dérobée / Avant mon premier souffle j’ai dévalé ce toboggan d’émois / Au sortir de l’océan pourpre où mon corps menu / Accordait son battement à celui d’un cœur immense / Écoutant déjà les grondements du monde à travers les parois du ventre / Rideau de mon entrée en scène comme dérisoire comparse désemparé / Entrouve doucement tes lèvres tandis que je contemple le reste du corps / ….. / Vallon vibratile défilé des sirènes fissure des fées / Oreille des nymphes atoll aux palmiers ruisselants cour des miracles / Vestibule de soie étoile noire serrure et charnière à la fois / Visage incarcéré de l’antérieur en double profil perdu / Entrouve doucement tes lèvres tandis que je caresse le reste du corps / ……… / Prince du nombre six qu’envahit l’un septième / Resserre doucement tes lèvres tandis que je traverse l’âme entière
A male E.L. James in the making?? Mais non! I did a quick google search easily found the source of Mr. Poéte’s penmanship… in fact both text are by the expropriated hand of 89 year-old writer Michel Butor… and entitled “Ballade du sexe féminin,” Ballad of the Female Sex!! Who did this guy take himself for? A great wooer of our modern times? Or maybe he actually was Grandpa Butor??? At least he earned some points for his unconventional approach, a tad better than Sébastien’s awful taste in humor—and taste in practically everything else! Maude still remained mute, causing our heartful contender to follow up with:
Monsieur Amour4u: Le début de cette nouvelle de jeunesse d’Argon vous a plu ?
Hmmm, what did he mean by this cryptic message? Argon?? Had Maude and I missed something? Wikipedia was there to help, and it turns out that Argon is the third most common gas on earth. I was figuring that it had to have something to do with the cosmic energy of love vibes or something… this guy was certainly over-consuming whatever it was. Then I thought he must have made a typo, maybe he meant Aragon? Not the region in Spain, but the French poet Louis Aragon, at least this was vaguely connected to his message – though he might need to verify his sources a little better, pour Michel Butor!
For the love of the Parisian love gods! Was online dating going to be so complicated for our heroine? Maude might have had a rough start but she has not given up hope! Stayed tune and she might share la suite of her adventures!