Another Monday, another twist to the Mexican’s romantic saga! This one is pretty good. His reminiscing about an old lover has faded and E is back… but besides that he veers off onto other topics as well, including more incite into his actions. My favorite line is “I hope they burn this book when I’m dead.” but why…?
Sunday May 31, 2009 12:30 PM
I have not been very consistant with my morning pages. It is because I have been spending time with her and it makes me feel better. She has come back for the moment. I don’t know how long she will stay. We talk about going for it, to try to build a relationship. It is the only way. She does not trust me and I don’t trust her. If you think about it, you can also how it is possible to get into a relationship without trust. It is completely ludicrous. But I mean it. I need her. Why am I so egocentric? Who gives a shit if someone loves someone or not. Is it really that important to be loved? Tell me, I ask you. And then I get jealous of her… I don’t know why, to tell you the truth, I would not want to be in her shoes. And I don’t imagine her as the mother of my children. But what the fuck does that mean anyway…. ”I don’t imagine her as the mother of my child…”
I hope they burn this book when I’m dead. There are some violent remarks in it. I would not want to hurt anyone any more than what I already have. Some things are better left untold. Even my mother told me this. It is impossible to be a purist, completely straight. No one is. Only fools are. And I have been a fool from time to time. All it has gotten me is trouble. My mother is right, I agree with her. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. As long as you don’t lie to yourself and that is the difficult part. I know why I am with them. By them I mean the girls. I need them all for different reasons. There are not many people who would understand, but I won’t take the time to explain. Either you get it or you don’t get it. It is like a gin and tonic. It has a very particular tast, which is not for everybody. Either you like it or not. And I like it. And that is that. No expectations.
Note: I really dislike gin and tonics. If only I’d read this at the beginning of meeting the Mexican! I could have spared a lot of problems. It’s all about the right mix. Let me get the cocktail shaker!