So the Mexican didn’t get “completely lost,” as he feared in the last entry, but he did disappear for quite a while. He’s resurfaced and we can now understand where he’s been the past few months: partially lost. E. is causing him to reflect a lot and even to “forget himself,” is the Mexican capable of being so selfless?
Jan 19, 2010
Times with her are difficult…. for me. I can’t seem to get a hold of things. I am lost in her thought, or should I say in my thoughts of her. In my thoughts of her I an lost and I can’t seem to get a hold of things. Is this what love is? To forget oneself? Even if it is not a good feeling?? Even if it is a crappy feeling?? But sometimes it’s good but the rest of the time I live in panic in the uncertainty of the moment and of the time to come. How can I take advantage of this time with her if I live in fear? In fear of losing her. In fear of the uncertainty of her love. In fear of her past. A past that I imagine. A past that whether good, bad, healthy, unhealthy etc. (who am I to judge anyway?). A past that does not pertain to mine, or does it? In any case, this imagined past of hers kills me. Ha ha ha ha ha! What have I come down to? I used to be so strong.
She is my cryptonite. Fuck! Is that what love is? Uncertainty? Insecurity? Fear? It is certainly not indifference!!! It’s caring even if it’s unhealthy. And me… well I care. I care so much it destroys me. It destroys my character. I forget myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Who is myself? Where is myself? How can I refind myself? Where do I begin to search for myself? Where? Where? Where? Well, to understand this situation is difficult. I don’t know how it all happened, but we got back together again. I don’t know if it is a miracle or a curse, but I finally gave into her. After I say her after my time with M. in Florence… it was magic all over again. It was as if it had never finished. A continuation of love, energy, electricity. She is magic. And that scares me, never, never have I been so afraid of a woman. A woman just like me. My twin. My sister. My lover. My wife/ the other me. I get lost with the other me. So how can I refind myself???