The Mexican Minute # 15

So the Mexican didn’t get “completely lost,” as he feared in the last entry, but he did disappear for quite a while. He’s resurfaced and we can now understand where he’s been the past few months: partially lost. E. is causing him to reflect a lot and even to “forget himself,” is the Mexican capable of being so selfless?

Jan 19, 2010

Times with her are difficult…. for me. I can’t seem to get a hold of things. I am lost in her thought, or should I say in my thoughts of her. In my thoughts of her I an lost and I can’t seem to get a hold of things. Is this what love is? To forget oneself? Even if it is not a good feeling?? Even if it is a crappy feeling?? But sometimes it’s good but the rest of the time I live in panic in the uncertainty of the moment and of the time to come. How can I take advantage of this time with her if I live in fear? In fear of losing her. In fear of the uncertainty of her love. In fear of her past. A past that I imagine. A past that whether good, bad, healthy, unhealthy etc. (who am I to judge anyway?). A past that does not pertain to mine, or does it? In any case, this imagined past of hers kills me. Ha ha ha ha ha! What have I come down to? I used to be so strong.

She is my cryptonite. Fuck! Is that what love is? Uncertainty? Insecurity? Fear? It is certainly not indifference!!! It’s caring even if it’s unhealthy. And me… well I care. I care so much it destroys me. It destroys my character. I forget myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Who is myself? Where is myself? How can I refind myself? Where do I begin to search for myself? Where? Where? Where? Well, to understand this situation is difficult. I don’t know how it all happened, but we got back together again. I don’t know if it is a miracle or a curse, but I finally gave into her. After I say her after my time with M. in Florence… it was magic all over again. It was as if it had never finished. A continuation of love, energy, electricity. She is magic. And that scares me, never, never have I been so afraid of a woman. A woman just like me. My twin. My sister. My lover. My wife/ the other me. I get lost with the other me. So how can I refind myself???

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  • Karin P says:

    I don’t know if this is romantic, or stupid, or juvenile, or really what those kind of crazy “loves” feel like…. He sure is wound up tight in this entry, though!

    To my old, wizened, pragmatic ears, he mostly just sounds dysfunctional and like he could use a good therapist, lol. Poor kid. He needs to get a grip.

    xx
    Karin

    • La Tigresse says:

      He could certain use a therapist and definitely needs to get a grip… I’m not sure I would sympathize too much with him though with his repeatedly poor behavior, will he ever learn?

      • Karin P says:

        You know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result? LOL. I’d say that applies. 😀

        I have some empathy. I mean, in some ways he does seem entirely clueless about his own situation. It’s not malicious. Just very, very narcissistic, immature, and short-sighted. In some ways he is like an anti-hero, because part of me WANTS to see him figure it out! He seems pretty miserable. And so unaware of the fact that he is creating his own misery.

        Gosh what an interesting sort of “case study,” heh!

        • La Tigresse says:

          Narcissistic, immature, and short-sighted are indeed accurate adjectives to describe the Mexican. He likes to blame his condition on his father now and then, I left those parts out in respect for him. The Mexican is not really an absolutely terrible person, it just might be nice for him to think about someone besides himself now and then, he might actually be happier that way!

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